I Went Outside Today (oh boy)

In anticipation of a potential lull in the mail, I took precaution several weeks ago by requesting my wife to procure a pair of walking shoes. For the last several months I have literally warn a path with my bare stocking feet from my computer to the refrigerator (You may recall, the place where I keep all my Hamms).

Due to mail today (oh boy), or rather, the lack there of, I thought of those shoes sitting on the shelf in our large spacious walk in closet. One could walk for days in that closet and still not find the skirt he loaned to Hak several months ago. However, success! Today, I located my walking shoes (oh boy).

I expended great effort at removing the wadded up paper inside said walking shoes and spent 20 minutes threading and re-threading the laces. Then it turns out that they don't match. One is a size 7 and a half and the other an 8. I wear an 8 and a half. Geek, stop snickering, that's not polite. I cut off the front ends and they fit just fine.

Just to be sure, as I was quite warn out already, I checked email one last time. Nothing, zip, zero, nada no how, not even a communiqué from fearless leaders. I took a deep breath, and approached my front door. Would it open? Or, would it still be locked from the outside? Would there be shoe salesmen on the other side. What a horrible thought. "No Sir, I don't need new shoes, these ones are just fine."

Somehow I found the courage and took that first step. Just as the door was swinging menacingly shut, my wife called to me from the kitchen. "Honey!", she said, "Can you check the mail?" I answered back, "Hey, why don't you put on some shoes and get out of the kitchen and stop having babies all the time!" She threw the keys at me. Real hard like. I deftly caught them as they bounced off my forehead.

Sheesh, I was off to a bad start. First time out in months and already tasked with chores. On the way to the mailbox, I sighted one of my neighbors. I immediately became uncomfortable and stared at my protruding toes, sickly noting I had forgotten to put on socks. As my neighbor approached I pretended to drop my keys so I wouldn't have to acknowledge his existence as he passed. It worked.

I got to the mailbox and was relieved to find that my copy of PC world had arrived. I left the bills there however. I didn't feel like getting into anymore "hot water" with "the little woman". She always gets irate when she sees the phone bill and wants to know where all these 900 number calls are coming from. Like I know, or something.

On the way back I spotted my neighbor returning from his existential trip to God knows where or who cares, but again, he was coming right at me. I immediately became uncomfortable again and started looking around. I stared straight up at the sky as if I was looking at something. It worked, as he looked up I ran right past him. I got back in the house as quick as possible, took off my shoes and put on a pair of socks. Feeling so much better and relieved to be back home, I decided to share the horror with you all. Let me tell you, I won't try that again for some time.

Zelig X
1998